Saying Goodbye

My dad is in the final days of hospice. At 88 he's lived a full life and ready to meet his Savior. 

What made him such an amazing man?

1. As a dad, he loved with constancy and dedication; He was for me in every way that mattered.
2. He verbalized his approval and admiration.
3. He modeled and articulated a winsome relationship with His Savior.
4. He loved people, and showed me how important it was to touch others’ lives.
5. He had a sense of humor and knew the gift and delight of laughter.
6. He knew what was most important: robustly loving people, showing mercy, and lavishly giving.

Dad told and retold the story of bringing me home after the call came that a baby girl was waiting to be adopted.  He always described it as if it were the happiest day of my mom’s and his lives.  The joy on his face as he’d tell the account will be a memory etched on my heart.  That was the beginning of my life of blessing as a loved part of our family.

Dad worked hard to support us, and so we attended a small private school, my dad paid for most of my college, and gave me the wedding of my dreams.  Mostly, he knew the value of the spoken word to my tender, sensitive heart. I recall many, many affirmations of love, appreciation, and deep pride that he spoke to me.

Dad was the spring from which bubbled much wisdom.  He taught me to value all people, without judgment or category. And he modeled a compassion that lived out those beliefs.  I was only 9 or 10 when out on a drive with him somewhere downtown.  He came upon a stranger, intoxicated, lying on the side of the road (literally).  In a modern good Samaritan role, he pulled over and got out.  He helped the man in the back of the car and we drove him somewhere safe, warm, and to be cared for.  When I mentioned on the way that he was dirty and smelled, my dad just affirmed for me that he needed help and we were bringing him to get some.

Dad loved His Savior.  I can recount many, many times that as we talked about our faith, he would passionately share what he had recently listened to on the radio, heard in Sunday's sermon, read in a book or in Scripture. It was never just cerebral for him, it was relational.  He knew his God personally, and it was apparent.

God’s love and mercy shown toward my dad was evidenced and passed on in the forgiveness and patience my dad extended toward others.  This was seen in little and big ways.  Most notably was in the days following my sister’s death.  My dad gathered the family together and led us in a direction of mercy, grace and forgiveness toward my sister’s killer.  His heart was tender, without bitterness, grieving and heartbroken but not without a deep awareness of the poison of unforgiveness and anger.

Dad sat me down as a new college graduate and encouraged me as I worked with children. “They need to know you love them, Elaine.”   He taught me the value of personal touch: a hand on their shoulder, a gently hand across their head, a quick touch on the arm.  “God made us to respond to touch.”  He was an honorable man of integrity who was not afraid to hug you.  Even in his 80’s he would seek out the lonely among his church family and give a smile, hug, or word of compliment.  He loved people.

Anyone who knew my dad likely heard him spin a story with a twinkle in his eye and an engaging wit. He loved the business of living, and enjoyed the retelling of its adventure.  Post office stories, a young recruit in the navy, his process serving escapades (including many colorful close calls) highlight a few of his topics.  And I won’t forget the fathering stories he told, endearing him as tears of laughter rolled down our cheeks.

I was blessed beyond description to have been given the father that I had. He loved my mom. He loved Dorothy (his current wife), He loved his God.  He was faithful to the end.

And I now rejoice for him at the reunion he’ll soon have with so many he loved.  Even as I grieve for the end of my own earthly joy of being his daughter, I rejoice that He’ll soon see His Savior.

Thank you, Dad.

You made my Heavenly Father so easy to trust, love, and feel safe with because you modeled so well what being a good father is.

I am richly, richly blessed and truly grateful.

(For an earlier post on my dad: One Man's Influence

What did the Prodigal Son’s Father tell his Friends?

The son left home. He took his part of the fortune, both literally and figuratively distancing himself from the safety and love of home and family. By his own choice he rejected his father’s love and care to instead seek what he thought would bring happiness and fulfillment.

What did the father tell his friends?

They must’ve asked, wondered, whether through curiosity or concern.


"Hey, haven't seen that younger boy of yours around..."  
"What's up with your boy...is everything ok?"
Where has your son been keeping himself, haven't seen him?"

What did the father say?

The text doesn’t tell us (Luke 15:11-32).

Here is my speculation.

1.       I love my son, and his departure has broken my heart.

2.       Our home and heart are open and ready to welcome him back,

       should he choose to return.

3.       Yahweh models my role in this, and I want to live it out.  His non-negotiables help inform what mine are. His sacrificial, merciful, unending love exemplifies my pursuit of restoration and steers my own heart in this.

4.       Can you join with me in prayer that God would care for, watch over, direct, and restore my son?

5.       Can you join with me in prayer that God would care for, watch over, protect and guard my heart in this, as well?

If these additional questions are asked, he may have replied:

1.       Is he lost forever? An infidel (unbeliever)? I don’t know and God hasn’t given me that burden to carry. Mine is simply to love, lead, be faithful and winsome in living out God’s love. Can you help me live out 1 Corinthians 13 that says love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…”?

2.       Do we cast him out and write him off? Nope, that’s God’s job. And even God is portrayed as the Good Shepherd who goes out after the ONE sheep that is lost, leaving the 99 to rescue the one that has strayed.  God does sometimes (rightfully so) cut one off, but this judgment is in his time, his wisdom, and he is ever patient and persistent in his pursuit of the lost.  I will mirror this, and leave ultimate judgment to God.

3.       Aren’t you angry, isn’t it unfair, shouldn’t you draw the line and shout loudly “You are outta here until you see what is right, dude!”?  Mercy triumphs over judgment. Both have their place, but micromanaging God’s judgment by taking in my hand when  & how he intends his own to work…that is ineffective, short-sighted, pridefully self-reliant, and just ludicrous! 

4.       Isn’t there a call for you to do ‘tough love’? Holding to the line on God’s non-negotiables is the benchmark for this tough love, and we won’t back down. Holding to our own lines of what’s ‘fair’, ‘reasonable’, maintains our own rights, defensive, or what insures our comfort in loving…well, that’s not tough love, that’s just man’s definition of love. (Look at the cross for how much Christ insisted on what’s reasonable, sensible, or fair.)

5.       How can I help? Thank you so much for asking!! Pray (see #4 & #5 above). Also help me focus on the truths that keep me grounded:

1.  This is not the end of the story.
2.   God is at work and that means in ALL of us (maybe in me, perhaps others in my family who have sin/attitudes/self-righteousness that needs to be recognized? (hmm…isn’t there another son in this story?)
3.   My Son & this situation are not the most important thing in life –  God’s glory is!  
4. And help me….please help me not to wallow in the muckiness of now so that I lose sight of the glory of the big picture and the BIG God who is in complete control!
5. My response to my prodigal son….who knows but that God may want my example to stand as a model for others, for future generations?!….not just for how fathers are to respond to wayward sons, but to mirror the incomparable, unstoppable, unimaginable wonder of the love of Father God!  (Not sure how that would work,or why my little story would matter to anyone or how it could be preserved for centuries to come, but hey…God can do anything. He could find a way. He is supernatural. )

Hmmm….what might the mother of the prodigal son have told her friends around the water well the morning after her son left?

Living our Faith in Community - What is Women's Ministry About? (Post #2)*

Goal #2 - Consider with me:

To pursue, encourage and nurture spiritual life in God’s household, emphasizing heart-level edification and a shepherding-oriented culture among women as well as the utilization of spiritual gifts for the benefit of the body of Christ 

1. What does it mean to emphasize heart-level edification?
2. What is a shepherding-oriented culture?
3. How important are spiritual gifts, and how do I know what mine are (or if I have one)!?

I asked several of our EBC women to answer the question and give examples of this from their own experience in our church.

Wow, did they do a great job! Thank you!!

The following answers all come from them! Thank you J, J, H, & B.

 (I know we have much room to grow in these areas here at EBC, but their answers and their examples will offer color and dimension to help us understand.)
And their thoughts give us pause to ask, "how we are living among others in our church?"

What is Heart-Level Edification?
• Edification means “building up of the soul,” and our soul or “heart” is strengthened/built up by pursuing wisdom and Godliness
• It is a relationship that is transformational because it reaches the soul.  It must be driven by God's Spirit as He channels grace from Scripture through the giver to the receiver
• Lifting and encouraging each other because of who we are in the Lord, helping us to recognize the intents of our hearts and compare them to God’s purpose.
• Heart level edification, to me, is being comfortable enough to share your heart with someone and be heard, for them to be able to do the same, and for both of you to be pointed to Christ through that process.
In Real Life…
• Women’s Bible studies at Eden have nudged me toward a deeper understanding of the word and desire to know God better.
• I have experienced this in conversation in a small group with one or two other women as we are able to be honest with each other about struggles or questions we have and then are pointed to who God is and His promises to us.
• I was mentored as a teen by an older woman in our church who applied Scripture to my questions and frustrations. This transformed my way of thinking from self defense/justification to recognition and confession of personal sin:  transformational!
• Dealing with the heart has been an emphasis throughout the teaching here, not only with women but in the church as a whole. Going through the book Women Helping Women was an eye-opener for me. It helped me see my own heart!

What do you mean by a shepherd-oriented culture?
• Making your choices to be oriented around serving others by having their best interest in mind- which would be a deeper relationship and deeper dependence on Christ. Choosing to love them.
• A shepherd leads, protects, nourishes and loves the sheep.   In our independent spirited culture it is not natural for women to follow.  Learning to respect and trust another is difficult for many women when that leader seems unqualified, undesirable or disagreeable.
• We are shown and taught to get into people’s lives, not only to pray for them, but to come along side to listen, care, encourage, teach & feed them God’s Word.
• To point other women to God and Godly living by candidly sharing our own struggles and joys of the Christian walk and our relationship with Christ. As Phil.1:11 says, to be filled with the fruit of our salvation or “righteous character” that will bring glory to God.

  In Real Life…
• I have been encouraged and nudged toward pursuing God over coffee and conversation with a friend. Sometimes we fall into a rut and all it takes to set us back on the right path is a Godly friend to speak truth.
• For me it has been having women who care about my spiritual growth and who are transparent with me. It has been when they don't always do the convenient thing, but the thing that shows love and commitment to Christ in acknowledging He has put our church together as the body of Christ. Meeting for prayer, discussion about God's Word, follow up with a prayer request, having those interactions seasoned with the powerful Word of God.
• In our independent spirited culture it is not natural for women to follow.  Learning to respect and trust another is difficult for many women when that leader seems unqualified, undesirable or disagreeable.  Asking "What does your husband think?" Often catches women off guard, but within the church that seems to me to be what Titus 2 is teaching.
• The Shepherd-oriented culture has been so encouraging to us. When my husband and I were going through a difficult trial with one of our children, the elders reached out to help guide, direct how we should think about the situation. Helped us not to react but instead respond in the right way.

What about Spiritual Gifts? 
• The Bible teaches that our gifts are diverse and the Spirit gives each of us a gift or gifts to be used to help one another serve the body of Christ. Our gifts are important because we are each a part of Christ’s body and we serve Him with what he has blessed us with. What are you good at? God blessed you with that gift or talent. Use it for Him.
• Spiritual gifts may give you direction in how you serve in your church, I think you tend to see needs through the lens of what you care about. I have realized that I have a deep desire to point other women to Christ and walk along side them as we help each other grow in our relationship with God- I've come to realize that this is shepherding!
• God gives each believer gifts that enable that person to benefit the church in different ways.  This is crucial to the health of the very diverse and needy congregation.  Consider every opportunity presented, even it does not seem like a good fit or is totally unexpected and/or undesirable
• We are all given spiritual gifts. At least one. Because God has given us gifts they are important. The church is made up of people with different gifts that as they all come together, they help the church function as God intended. To find out what gift we have sometimes is obvious to some. Others may question theirs. If you are not sure, just get involved and serve. To have a name for your gift may not be as important.

In Real Life: 

• I try to be willing and able when asked to fill a job. Willingness to serve is half the battle for me. I can talk myself out of doing something because I feel inadequate, so I remind myself that through Christ I can do all things…even speak in front of people. (But I’d rather write and let someone else speak :-)  
• I don’t feel that I need to name my gift.  I’m not a big “take this questionnaire and it will tell you your gift” person. I just think if you see a need and you are able to fill it, then do. We all should have the gift of helps…all other gifts should fall under that. If it’s not helping the kingdom, does it have a purpose?  
• It can be very surprising what new "gifts" are exposed when we least expect it.  I hated YWAP when we first began to do it.  However, as I prayed and stuck with it, God transformed my attitude and showed me that helping my husband faithfully can be a gift too.   Also, if your leader needs you, hang in there and be faithful.  God can nurture and grow gifts that were not initially present.
• I have discovered that God has given me unique ways to help His people just like each person in the body of Christ. It is important to first pray and ask God to show you where there are needs that you can serve in- and there always are. I think I assumed that the needs I saw were things that everyone wanted to do and that I would have to wait and see what happened. But after encouragement from others- I am figuring out that there is always room for help. I think the important thing is to not limit yourself in how you can serve. God's power is shown the most greatly through our weakness. When He can be magnified and we can be thankful to be used.
_____________________________
Are you encouraged in this? Challenged? Convicted?  Let's nudge each other on in this, as we seek to live out God's design for the church.  It's not a spectator/consumer (come & get, then leave) design.
But it is rich....so rich in God's provision and goodness!


*This is post #2 in a series that discusses the 7 purpose statements of women's ministry at Eden Baptist Church.  We don't intend to suggest we know best, but just that we're trying to live out the Bible's intention for living out together a church that is purposeful, edifying, &  gospel-centered.

What is Women's Ministry About?

What's it all about? 

It happens every so often, as it did again this past week.  I get a call/email from an acquaintance from another church. “Can we get together? I’m wanting to talk through women’s ministry stuff. Could you give some insight on what’s going on there at Eden?”

I’m always excited for these opportunities. God has blessed us at Eden, not with spectacularly gifted leaders or innovative strategies.  But God has provided Biblical moorings that are timeless and give helpful steerage because they are firmly rooted in truth and clarify what is important.

I thought I’d start 2016 with a series of posts, each considering one of the 7 pillars around which we at EBC fashion everything we do for women, church-wide and individually.

The relevance of this for you, and not just for those in leadership,  will become evident, I hope, before the end of this post.

Indeed, the objectives laid out here are simply priorities for every woman who claims to be a follower of Christ. Each one comes straight out of the New Testament’s design for relating to each other---and to a world that needs the gospel.

(And if you are part of a church, you can encourage your ministry to keep to the right purposes.)

Will you investigate these a bit closer with me? (And be reminded of our roots?!)

#1: To introduce every woman not only to the helper design, but to the Designer himself for the purpose of loving Him with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength.

•        To be a Godly woman is not first to understand how we relate as a female;  instead, to understand how we relate as a created one to our creator.  (Gender comes second.)  And God has clearly established his goodness by offering us the answer: Himself: He is the revealer of and rescue for our greatest need, and He is the wisdom for both our earthly (now) and eternal (future) journeys.
•       Encouraging our love for God can only be accomplished by unveiling the wonder of God to eyes that are distracted by all kinds of ‘today’s’ needs, eyes that are blinded by sinful, deceived hearts, and eyes that are satisfied with trivial, cotton-candy-like pleasures. (That’s us.) God. Is. More.  Revealing him is the only means to this end.
•       Loving him with all our heart, soul, mind & strength is accomplished and grown amid the relationships and community of other believers. This is God’s design. We disregard it to our own peril.

Implications:

·         If the goal is to love God, then all the gender-related interests, our responsibilities,  and our roles as women will be second tier when ministry emphases and topics are selected.  Being a better mother, wife, woman, employee, etc may have a valid place in consideration (and we’ve discussed these at times).  But what is most needed is a closer look at who God is and my identity as His child, for from this platform all the roles I live out will flow.

·         There are many times I hear pleas for teaching on a specific life season (young mom, mid-life), on a significant life experience (being betrayed, grief support, parenting struggles), or support for temptations (I’m bored in my marriage, my spiritual life seems dead) ...to give a sampling. These hungers are only ultimately satiated, however, in the source of their satisfaction: God Himself.  Offering mere human support, practical answers & solutions, etc, will only put band aids on a welt that is responding to an internal toxin. 

·         Application from the truth of God to the needs of life is paramount. This is where women (and men) need much help. (I know I do!)  How does the truth of who God is relate to my weary monotonous calling of a stay at home mom?, to an unmarried woman among a materialistic and hedonistic culture? of being lonely with life changes that leave me with silent days and solitary evenings?  This is the calling of women’s ministry --Connect God and his truth to real life.

As each of us live out the first page of our 2016 calendars, and try to get our “new year ducks” in a row, may we investigate the core of our efforts and where they are directed.

Do we hold as supreme what Jesus said?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. This is the first and greatest commandment.

Matt 22:37-38

Let’s run together ---full speed ahead--- into loving him more this year!

Hidden Hurts and Silent Sorrows

It was a training video put out by a fast-food chain.  I remember it clearly, even though I viewed it years ago, and I can’t recall if it was Wendy’s or KFC.  But the point was profound, and it left its message strongly imprinted on my memory.

It showed the restaurant on an average day.

The dining room was filled with people, all enjoying their mid-week meal.  Various ages, individuals, couples and families sat around the tables

• A grandma with her 2 grandsons
• A young mom with 3 kids under 6
• An older couple sharing one burger and 2
         cups of water.
• A wrinkled man with distracted eyes.
• A smiling-eyed woman with a colorful scarf.
• A teen sitting in the corner, plugged in, food
        wrappers askew.


What made it remarkable was what happened next.  Above each person, one by one,  appeared a word bubble, and in each was described the significant circumstance of their life that week:
• Grandma got news of her glaucoma’s progression, leaving her on a countdown to blindness. How long would I continue to enjoy outings with my grandsons?!
• The young mom worried -how soon would her husband find work after his job ended that day? How will we pay the bills?!
• The older couple heard from their daughter on the East Coast: “Can’t come for Thanksgiving”  Again we’ll be alone! As they’d been for Easter, and last Christmas
• The wrinkled man had no news in his day. He was all alone today. As he is every day.
• The smiling-eyed woman was glad for the 5 day reprieve before her next round of chemo.  This is the time she felt almost alive again, even if my hairless scalp & drying skin tries to convince me otherwise!
• And the teen? He was eating alone again, because mom was working, and dad…well, I wonder where  dad had gone all those years ago!?

The point of the video? Everyone has an individual story, and for many, that story involves a burden that most know nothing about.  And so a smile, a kind word, a thoughtful gesture…these can make a difference.  And so the company encouraged its workers to look past the “plain” people to offer personal kindness & courtesy. You never know how you may impact another’s world with simple kindness.

The parallel I draw is to the community of faith.

For many who smile and walk past you on a Sunday morning, there is a burden that is quietly carried or a sorrow that is silently born.   Even those who laugh with you about the trivial, or who ask you about your job/family/health,  or who converse about the commonplace as you stand across from her.

It may be that her life has a place that is hurting, broken, straining, mourning,  frazzled,  hard.
For some, excruciating.

Yet, she asks God for help, gets out the door, and moves forward.

If you perused a crowd on Sunday morning,  and info bubbles about another’s burdens and heartaches were made known, would it impact you?
Because the bubbles are non-existent, but the hidden hurts & silent sorrows are not.
You never know how you may impact another’s world with simple kindness, interest, or compassion.

But now, you know.

What Common Grace Teaches Me about Relating to those Who Do Not Repent

Sometimes she may be immediate family.  Sometimes it is a close friend.  In some cases it is a spouse. Perhaps it is your own child.

But to your great dismay and ongoing heartache, this one whom you love walks away from God…and remains unconvinced, unrepentant, unfazed to the truth you so passionately try to present.

Sometimes the rejection is blatant, outspoken, and antagonistic. Perhaps for some it is more quiet, even respectful, but none the less anti-God.

How do you relate to this person, especially in instances of ongoing, flagrant lifestyle choices that defy God, are destructive, often denying wisdom and in some cases, even fly in the face of common sense?

• Do I draw a line and live out ‘tough love’?

• Do I speak ultimatums couched in gentle affirmations of love?

• Do  I create consequences in my relationship with them by putting them out to help them feel the sting of their sin?

• Or conversely, will my ongoing affection and acceptance communicate passive approval of their life?

These are not simple questions nor hypothetical scenarios.  When one who is close to you chooses against God, there are layers of complicated decisions to wade through.

What is the best way, the right way, to show love while upholding truth?

Common grace gives me some pointers.

What is common grace?  Simply defined, common grace speaks of blessings & benefits given by God to all mankind, both the saved and the unsaved.  Whether you are his child or not,  he grants these as part of his common grace.

(In contrast to saving grace which is granted only to those who believe, trust, & accept God’s rescue of salvation in Christ.)

So, in common grace, all of mankind enjoys breath, joys of relationships, food, sunshine, mental capacities, satisfaction of work and accomplishment, the breathtaking views of our created world, and on and on it goes.

God, as creator, does not withhold these gifts until one follows Him or obeys. He gives these freely… to all.

… ⁴⁵ so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.  Matthew 5:45

God’s common grace: Within this paradigm is an example to consider, be it ever so subtle and implicit.

For common grace confirms that God’s love is demonstrated even when the one receiving it is an enemy of God.

• So if God does not withhold the “common” expressions of his love and goodness because of one’s undeserving status, why should I?
• If God instead uses the goodness of his kindnesses to draw sinful men to himself, why shouldn’t I?

God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance   Romans 2:4b

• If God’s patience is long and steadfast, not changing his mind or withdrawing his common grace gifts, why should I be any different?

• If God does not oppress or bully one to recognize his sovereignty and supremacy, dare I?

Instead: I see God “leaning in” to the very ones who are his enemies.  Pursuing them.  Calling them. His Spirit wooing them.  Offering mercy.  Dying for them.

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. ⁴ But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, ⁵ he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit.    Titus 2:3-5

As we relate to those who are in a place of hostility toward God, what does that example say to us?

Perhaps it is our unconditional love and undeserved kindnesses that God will use to crack the hard shell of that loved one.

Kindness and love is what God uses to draw men.

(At the very least, as we live this out we will image His love. )

I think we learn much from His example.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

I was 29, had just days earlier delivered a stillborn little boy at 33 weeks, and my friend commiserated with me by offering, “It just doesn’t make sense that  V------ had a healthy baby and yours was dead. You & Jon are so faithful to God, and she isn’t at all.”

Several weeks later as I struggled in the back row of church after a Sunday evening service, the tears fell and I hurriedly tried to wipe them away so no one would see.  An older woman approached me and kindly touched my arm without an initial word.  I offered, “I’m so embarrassed of these tears, but the song service just brings out all my emotions and the hurt returns. I’m a pastor’s wife. How can I let others see that I am still struggling after all this time?”

 Her wise words to follow, in the form of a question, have stayed with me all these years:  “If you don’t dare show your tears, how will others who hurt ever feel safe to reveal and admit theirs?”  I honestly don’t remember if she said the next words or I just inferred them, but the message was clear:  “God gave us grief as part of being human, and it is not sinful to feel sad after a loss like yours."

Two separate, very different responses from friends.  One I naturally knew to reject, and the other poured the balm of healing on a gaping wound ---indeed, it has ministered to me for over 2 decades in its wisdom and freeing truth.

Why did each woman speak as she did?
1. Human nature. We ALL have times when we open our mouths and out comes S*T*U*P*I*D, even when we don’t mean to.
2. Education.  Learning how to speak to another (actually, how to LOVE another with our words) & respond is something about which we can be educated.

This post is my attempt at #2.
These are not original thoughts with me; indeed, I’m taking most of these ideas from David Powlison, shared at a conference I attended this past year.
But this is spot-on advice.  And I need it. My prayer is it may be of help to you, too.

1. Speak only after thinking. Don’t speak merely out of impulse, emotion, or obligation.

2.     Speak from the humble position that we ALL need help & hope.  Weakness is a human condition that God celebrates because it gives His strength opportunity to shine.

2. Speak only after listening.  Careful attention shows concern and that you are engaged.  Ask a question (and listen) twice as often as you offer a response.

3. Speak without assumptions about the other’s motives or beliefs. Instead, ask questions to draw out what IS going on inside and to understand the other’s thoughts, feelings, and struggles.

4. Speak out of grace. Grace is the DNA of Biblical love, and offering safety to another to reveal the most painful or even shameful parts of life without shock or self-righteousness is Christ-like.  Speak with gentle & winsome truth, especially if it needs to be corrective.  And give this grace often and freely as grace has but a 1 day shelf life.

6. Speak without words.  When you are unsure of what to say, choose silence or the safe and effective refrain “I am so sorry.”  When accompanied with sensitive but direct eye contact and/ or a gentle hug, this simple phrase is SO much better than speaking.  And if you do say, “I’ll be praying for you”, follow through.

7. Speak first-hand truth. What has God used to minister to or encourage you? Consider sharing this, but don’t turn it around to be all about your experience.  If you do share the truth or verse or help that was your experience, don’t imply it as a pill she must take to be helped too.  Illustrate God is faithful without prescribing how He will prove this to her.

8. Speak prayerfully. Before a word is spoken, ask for help & wisdom from the One who gives comfort, help, & hope.   And finishing the conversation you choose to have, the best ending may be joining hearts together in prayer.

Jonathan Jeffrey was stillborn on August 31, 1991, and it began a journey of grief that enabled me to learn of God’s providence, comfort, and sovereignty in a way I never would have known through any other means.

The event also allows me to live out the truth of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

 It’s a prayer I still breathe often. I’m thankful for the many ways God continues to grow me in how I speak to others, and mindful of how very much I still need to learn, as my responses never come easy, automatic, or without uncertainty.

But God has called us to minister grace to others through our words. And we can avoid inserting our foot where it should not be.